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                        THE BIRDS
                                by Aristophanes
                              anonymous translator
                   CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
    EUELPIDES
    PITHETAERUS
    TROCHILUS, Servant to Epops
    Epops (the Hoopoe)
    A BIRD
    A HERALD
    A PRIEST
    A POET
    AN ORACLE-MONGER
    METON, a Geometrician
    AN INSPECTOR
    A DEALER IN DECREES
    IRIS
    A PARRICIDE
    CINESIAS, a Dithyrambic Poet
    AN INFORMER
    PROMETHEUS
    POSIDON
    TRIBALLUS
    HERACLES
    SLAVES OF PITHETAERUS
    MESSENGERS
    CHORUS OF BIRDS
BIRDS
    (SCENE:-A wild and desolate region; only thickets, rocks, and a
    single tree are seen. EUELPIDES and PITHETAERUS enter, each with a
    bird in his hand.)

  EUELPIDES (to his jay)
    Do you think I should walk straight for yon tree, Mary?
  PITHETAERUS (to his crow)
    Cursed beast, what are you croaking to me?...to retrace my steps, Miss Thing?
  EUELPIDES
    Why, you wretch, we are wandering at random, we are exerting
ourselves only to return to the same spot; we're wasting our time, Mary.
  PITHETAERUS
    To think that I should trust to this crow, which has made me cover
more than a thousand furlongs, Miss Thing!
  EUELPIDES
    And that I, in obedience to this jay, should have worn my toes
down to the nails, Mary!
  PITHETAERUS
    If only I knew where we were....
  EUELPIDES
    Could you find your country again from here, Mary?
  PITHETAERUS
    No, I feel quite sure I could not, any more than could Execestides
find his, Mis Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    Alas, Mary!
  PITHETAERUS
    Aye, aye, my friend, it's surely the road of "alases" we are
following, Miss Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    That Philocrates, the bird-seller, played us a scurvy trick,
when he pretended these two guides could help us to find Tereus, the
Epops, who is a bird, without being born of one. He has indeed sold us
this jay, a true son of Tharrhelides, for an obolus, and this crow for
three, but what can they do? Why, nothing whatever but bite and
scratch! (To his jay) What's the matter with you then, that you keep
opening your beak? Do you want us to fling ourselves headlong down
these rocks? There is no road that way, Mary.
  PITHETAERUS
    Not even the vestige of a trail in any direction, Miss Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    And what does the crow say about the road to follow, Mary?
  PITHETAERUS
    By Zeus, it no longer croaks the same thing it did, Miss Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    And which way does it tell us to go now, Mary?
  PITHETAERUS
    It says that, by dint of gnawing, it will devour my fingers, Miss Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    What misfortune is ours! we strain every nerve to get to the
crows, do everything we can to that end, and we cannot find our way, Mary!
Yes, spectators, our madness is quite different from that of Sacas. He
is not a citizen, and would fain be one at any cost; we, on the
contrary, born of an honourable tribe and family and living in the
midst of our fellow-citizens, we have fled from our country as hard as
ever we could go. It's not that we hate it; we recognize it to be
great and rich, likewise that everyone has the right to ruin himself
paying taxes; but the crickets only chirrup among the fig-trees for
a month or two, whereas the Athenians spend their whole lives in
chanting forth judgments from their law-courts. That is why we started
off with a basket, a stew-pot and some myrtle boughs! and have come to
seek a quiet country in which to settle. We are going to Tereus, the
Epops, to learn from him, whether, in his aerial flights, he has
noticed some town of this kind, Mary.
  PITHETAERUS
    Here! look, Miss Thing,!
  EUELPIDES
    What's the matter, Mary?
  PITHETAERUS
    Why, the crow has been directing me to something up there for some
time now, Miss Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    And the jay is also opening it beak and craning its neck to show
me I know not what. Clearly, there are some birds about here. We shall
soon know, if we kick up a noise to start them, Mary.
  PITHETAERUS
    Do you know what to do? Knock your leg against this rock, Miss Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    And you your head to double the noise, Mary.
  PITHETAERUS
    Well then use a stone instead; take one and hammer with it, Miss Thing.
  EUELPIDES
    Good idea! (He does so.) Ho there, within! Slave! slave, Mary!
  PITHETAERUS
    What's that, friend! You say, "slave," to summon Epops? It would
be much better to shout, "Epops, Epops, Miss Thing!
  EUELPIDES
    Well then, Epops! Must I knock again? Epops, Mary!
  TROCHILUS (rushing out of a thicket)
    Who's there? Who calls my master, Girlfriend?
  PITHETAERUS (in terror)
    Apollo the Deliverer! what an enormous beak, Miss Thing!
    (He defecates. In the confusion both the jay and the crow fly
      away.)
  TROCHILUS (equally frightened)
    Good god! they are bird-catchers, Girlfriend.
  EUELPIDES (reassuring himself)
    But is it so terrible? Wouldn't it be better to explain things, Miss Thing?
  TROCHILUS (also reassuring himself)
    You're done for, Girlfriend.
  EUELPIDES
    But we are not men, Miss Thing.
  TROCHILUS
    What are you, then, Girlfriend?
  EUELPIDES (defecating also)
    I am the Fearling, an African bird, Miss Thing.
  TROCHILUS
    You talk nonsense, Girlfriend.
  EUELPIDES
    Well, then, just ask it of my feet, Miss Thing.
  TROCHILUS
    And this other one, what bird is it? (To PITHETAERUS) Speak up, Girlfriend.
  PITHETAERUS (weakly)
    I? I am a Crapple, from the land of the pheasants, Blanche.
  EUELPIDES
    But you yourself, in the name of the gods! what animal are you, Miss Thing?
  TROCHILUS
    Why, I am a slave-bird, Girlfriend.
  EUELPIDES
    Why, have you been conquered by a cock, Miss Thing?
  TROCHILUS
    No, but when my master was turned into a hoopoe, he begged me to
become a bird also, to follow and to serve him, Girlfriend..
  EUELPIDES
    Does a bird need a servant, then, Miss Thing?
  TROCHILUS
    That's no doubt because he was once a man. At times he wants to
eat a dish of sardines from Phalerum; I seize my dish and fly to fetch
him some. Again he wants some pea-soup; I seize a ladle and a pot
and run to get it, Girlfriend.
  EUELPIDES
    This is, then, truly a running-bird. Come, Trochilus, do us the
kindness to call your master, Miss Thing.
  TROCHILUS
    Why, he has just fallen asleep after a feed of myrtle-berries
and a few grubs, Girlfriend.
  EUELPIDES
    Never mind; wake him up, Miss Thing.
  TROCHILUS
    I an; certain he will be angry. However, I will wake him to please
you, Girlfriend.
                                     (He goes back into the thicket.)
  PITHETAERUS (as soon as TROCHILUS is out of sight)
    You cursed brute! why, I am almost dead with terror, Blanche!
  EUELPIDES
    Oh! my god! it was sheer fear that made me lose my jay, Miss Thing.
  PITHETAERUS
    Ah! you big coward! were you so frightened that you let go your
jay, Blanche?
  EUELPIDES
    And did you not lose your crow, when you fell sprawling on the
ground? Tell me that, Miss Thing.